Depression On Again Off Again.

The past few years I have been battling depression. Things are better then they where at the being where I was at my lowest low. Looking back on it I think I was depressed by not feeling I was accepted on who I am and that people just did not care. Some of you know bits and pieces on why I felt the way I did. But here in a nut shell is the key points.

Since my mission I was on committee after committee where I grew tired on being on them at the time I was on a committee and I asked to be released though email and here is what it said.

'Could I get released from my calling. I just grown bored with the dinner group calling. It is super easy and I do enjoy cooking but I can always cook with out the calling anyway. I have been debating on if I should ask to get or released or just continue on doing it but I do feel it would be best if I get some other calling that gets me more involved somehow and make me do things instead of taking a few minutes and put some groups together. Maybe I could fly under the radar and not have a calling :)'

To which I got an email back:

'Thanks for your input David. What type of calling do you think you’d be interested in? You’ve done a fabulous job with the dinner groups. You would leave a big hole on that committee. Even though it’s not a huge amount of time each month, it’s an important part of the Ward and the Bishop wants it to continue.

I am happy to put you to work doing something else, just give me an idea of what you have an interest in and we’ll go from there.

Also, who do you think would be a good candidate to take your place on the dinner group committee (or do you think Dahlia could go at it without another co-chair)?'

To which I sent.

'That is one problem I don't know what I want. I want a calling that make me put some working into it to get it done not just something that takes a few minutes to get everything get together. So a bunch of this committees are basically the same thing (Dinner Group, Break the Fast, Linger Longer) which is fine but I would find them boring to do there are other who would love those calling and will enjoy doing them I think.

I know with a ward as big as we have is hard to get people a calling where they want to be. There is a few calling I wouldn't want to do (Dinner Group, Break the Fast, Linger Longer, fellowship, ward missionary). But if the bishopric want me somewhere then i would do it.'


Looking back on it I should of made it more clear that I did not want to be on a committee but oh well. It still pretty much says it and should of been taken into account. Well a little while later I was called into the bishops office to get a New Calling. The calling was Ward Mission Service committee or something along those lines. My 1st few thoughts that went though my mind where 1) You got to be kidding me this is the same type of calling that I so wanted to get out of (made up committee check, another committee could easily do this as well, and something that is something that wouldn't push me to do better.). How he explained it to me was that we will go around the neighborhood and take peoples garbage to the curb on trash day. To which I thought really if they are having such a hard time doing that why dont they get their ward to help them do it. To which I said I hate old people and I dont think I would enjoy this calling. The bishop said you wont have to your cochair will deal with them and you just have to make sure its done. To which I said something like I work in the temple on Saturdays and will hate depending on other people I know how wards work and it will be easier for me just to do it by my self and not to worry about it. To which he said others will be called to help out. Both Lies on his part.

So the next week the cochair came up to me and asked me if I was willing to go and talk to the guy who wanted to set this up with her after church. I said sure. So after church comes to an end I walked around for 20 or so minutes looking for the cochair. I finally texted her and said where are you. To which I got a text a while later or yeah I forgot I went to my familys sorry. Well thanks for the heads up and that was the last time I talked to my cochair who was in the ward still for a few months. And no one else was called to be on the committee and I was in no rush to do anything about it. I felt the bishop just pulled a committee out of his rear and did really cared what I had as long as it was a calling.

Well word must of got out that I was upset and I was called into the bishops office and the whole time I felt he was just clueless on How to deal with the Young Single Adults in the ward and treated us as kids (I was 28 at the time) He suggested i should go to see a therapist and that he will set it up. So he did and said here is the location and time I will pick you up. I said thats ok I can find my way to which he still wanted to pick me up. So i said what ever. Well when we go to the therapist he wanted to come in as well and hold my hand. For pets shake im 28 I have been wiping my own butt for a while i dont need you to come in. Well it was weird and it made it hard for me to open up with him right there. So I avoid him as much as i can. I was called into his office once more to see how i was doing a few weeks after that. And I walked away more feeling lost and not loved as i felt in the past.

So a while later I was called as the Sunday School President of the ward. Which meant I got to go to ward council. The 1st thing he said to me was the things we talk about is confidentiality and that means we dont tell anyone about what we talked about. The first part of the statement was fine. But that second part made me think that this man just treats us like kids. I'm 28 years old I know what words mean. He just did not get it.

As this was going down I was battling another war. My home teaching list since the ward was form was this 9 brothers 2 sisters. I kept on asking for a little bit more balance and was told that next time they work on the list it will be made that way. Well a year later it was still the same as it was before and I got the same excuse on why it was that way and next time it would be fix. Rinse and repeat. No one in the ward gave a damn about me it felt. And the time I was having a hard time talking to pretty much anyone in the ward. And I hoped that having more young ladies on my hometeaching list would make me get out of my comfort zone. But no it made me more of a recluse because nothing change and I was brushed aside because why?

About a month before I finally left ward council was canceled for tat week because the bishop was going to be out of town or something. I have saved the text exchange from that where it seemed like the bishop had no clue on what was going on. The friday before I left the ward I sent this email to the bishop.

'One of the reason why I wanted a new calling was I felt worthless in the ward. It was pretty much the same stupid calling as others (break the fast and mingles). Well what call did you give me Service mission committee which is pretty much the same as calling as the service committee but with the focus on helping the older people I the area. Which still made me feel worthless in the ward even more, something that really didnt involve the ward. Just that who tries and get you to do things. just another made up calling so that I would have a calling.


Remember when I told you I hate old people. Here a reason why no matter what I tell them they don't care or listen to me. I told you a few times I did not what that stupid calling and each time what I said you just made some stupid excuse why it was good for me. I told you that I didn't want to call people to have them do service for them. That i would mostly end up doing most of it on my own. You then told me that wasn't my job to get people to do it. It was to make sure that it got done and that it was your job to call others to that committee. I also said that I could not do Saturdays because of the temple. The whole time I had that calling you called one person which told me that you didn't give a damn about me. You also lied to me about who will pay for that therapy that my understanding was I would pay for some and the ward pay for some. But when the time came I had to pay for it. Which then again just proved to me that you just didn't cared about me and that you would just say what ever at the moment to get your way. A bishop should care about people in the ward and not make them feel worthless. Also don't lie to me and say that you love me because actions speak louder then words and your actions showed that you don't. Old people just don't care for me and once again you proved it.

So thank you for making me still feel worthless in the ward and not caring. You have been my worst bishop ever. But you where right i am worthless.'

To which I did not get an email back from.( I did get an email from him a few months later where he said something about another email which i could see on the chain, but I did not get it the 1st time) So I left the ward and I can count on one hand on how many people from that ward reached out to me after I left the ward. I started to go to a family ward where I talked to no one. I was never even called in to talk to the bishop once the 6 months I was there. I felt alone and not loved. that year (2012) Was not fun. Work was not fun I did the barely enough work to keep job during that time. I didnt care. If I lost my job or no. It would of gave me a way out of Utah. I posted negative things about myself on facebook. In a way I was crying out to see who would be there for me. I remember driving home from work sometimes just crying thinking that I wasnt loved or liked every much and that I was hopeless. I went into a shell where I didnt care what people thought of me and I would just do what I like to do.

I still have a hard time opening up to people and felt unloved sometimes. Where I take a step back to 2012 and shut other people out of my life because why try to be loved when people do not appear to be loved. You still have me to grain your trust before I fully trust you from my past experiences with past leadership that should be someone who can be trusted. After all lie and lie from them show that they are not.